We all get stuck.
If you don't know how it feels, I can only describe it as “moderate burnout accompanied by self-doubt and general apathy about your entire existence, with an aching to know the meaning of life”.
The reason we get stuck is that we often want something that feels so out of reach – a goal, a dream, this "thing" that we think will make us happy and the “stuck” is preventing us from accomplishing it. It could be as big as trying to find your life’s purpose or you could be stuck on deciding to leave your job, change your career, end a relationship or getting off your ass to for that those six pack abs. But a lot of the time it can be reaching Groundhog Day on a project you have already invested so much time in, but dogma has crept in and you're now paralysed.
For me, being stuck feels like I'm trapped. I become incredibly indecisive, I lose motivation and focus and then I convince myself that I just don't care enough anymore. My emotional responses become more, well, emotional. I become more sensitive to changes in my environment and feel more disappointment when even the smallest things don't go my way. My internal chat becomes very critical - about my abilities, about my purpose, my path and I start questioning whether I even want to be doing what I’m doing. I become more anxious and this manifests into complaining. Everything just feels so hard.
Being in a space when you don't have the impetus to problem solve and make decisions that actually dictate your future can be quite stressful, especially when you have made commitments to other people or are part of a startup that needs momentum. I talk about decision fatigue in another post, as that in itself is crippling.
Over the last twenty years, I've been fortunate enough to achieve most of my goals and I actively choose to challenge myself with new experiences that I'm not naturally comfortable with pursuing. I'd consider myself successful, with a great career, beautiful home as well as a number of assets that have allowed me to leave my contracts intermittently and focus on entrepreneurship. I continue to make learning new skills a priority, which has grown my character and allowed me to continue to take risks and have wonderful experiences from the luxury that affords me. But, it hasn't been easy. Twelve years ago I went through some stuff and I started to become more self-aware. I became obsessed with learning about who I am, what my values are and why I think what I think and do what I do. The tools I've learned and honed throughout my personal development are paramount to counter the stalemate I often battle with and are fundamental to keeping my negative alter ego in check.
You need to understand that humans are natural worriers which can lead to a debilitating mindset that wants to keep you risk-averse, stagnant and safe.
This is normal though; our brains are hard-wired to keep us safe and challenge free in order to self-preserve. And it's because of this that we pay more attention to negative outcomes than the positive. If you know anyone who is annoyingly and constantly optimistic, rest assured that if they were the norm, we not have evolved on earth if our future depended on them. They would have been lions fodder.
First, it’s really important to remind yourself that being stuck is a good thing. When we hit a stalemate and we’re so frustrated with the discomfort and self-loathing of not being able to accomplish that thing or intentfully be the way we want to be, then we are forced to do something about it. Normally, one of two things happen. We choose to self-soothe by falling into a pattern of negative thoughts and behaviours, or we get addicted to complaining, directing our focus to less healthy behaviours like obsessively checking social media. Less frequently, we choose to do something that moves us closer to our goals and the life we know we are capable of living. But unless you have the tools, it’s pretty damn hard to make those choices.
So herewith is a summary of my finite wisdom to help you get out of Groundhog Day. My advice is backed by loads of studies and lessons from some of the greatest: David Bayer, Tom Bilyeu, Sam Harris - these are all people who I listen to on a regular and inspire me daily.
Let's talk about how to get unstuck:
Identify your limiting beliefs.
Become self-aware and alter your perception of reality.
Make a decision and take action.
Identify your limiting beliefs
Beliefs dictate our destiny. Beliefs are that which we think are true. The more limited they are, the less we are likely to succeed in our goals.
In fact, beliefs are actually decisions. If you believe money is hard to make then you've decided money is hard to make and that influences (limits) the choices you make to make money. If you believe you have to do everything on your own you've actually decided you have to do everything on your own. If you believe that your relationships won't work out then you’re likely to sabotage all your intimate relationships. And if you feel like you’re not good enough, you find the evidence to support that the belief that people around you don’t care about you or respect your feelings.
Your beliefs dictate your destiny. As David Bayer says:
It’s the core of behavioural psychology: It’s your beliefs that dictate your thoughts, which dictate your emotions, dictate your actions, dictate your results which then reinforce your beliefs.
The meaning you have given to your past experiences plays a huge role in defining your limiting beliefs. You store the meaning you give to these beliefs as memories in your brain. If you see your current state negatively and continuously put yourself down, focusing only on what you are not doing right rather than what you are doing well then it's no wonder you fall into a pattern of thinking that holds you back. The negative thoughts become the easiest thoughts to think and they gain momentum, ultimately becoming wired into the neuro networks of our brain.
Welcome to the darkness. AKA, being stuck.
There are two gremlins that feed the ‘stuck’.
“The Fear” and “The How”.
According to David Bayer,
Fear is wanting to have a predicate outcome around an experience you have never had before
Everything we want, our goals, our aspirations – they sit in the world of the unknown. But our brains become conflicted. The Fear kicks in when the lizard or ancient part of the brain tries to keep us safe. It tells us, ‘don’t do that, it’s dangerous or uncomfortable.’ Unfortunately, it’s the more dominant part of the brain and its number one job is to keep us alive.
The How is, “how the hell am I going to do this? I’ve never done this before. I’m not good enough, I don’t have the tools, the time or the skills.” Or, “someone’s already done it, there’s no point in me trying, mine won’t be better, what even makes me think I can do it?”. You become overwhelmed with the thought of wanting to identify everything that needs to happen for your vision or goal to become a reality. You’re suddenly unable to make a decision and you talk yourself out of doing ‘the thing’.
Most decisions are hampered by The How.
So, now that we know what our limiting beliefs are and that our internal dialogue is always trying to move us into the ‘known’, let’s discover how to move forward.
Become self-aware and alter your perception of reality
First, you need to accept that what you believe will dictate your thoughts on a moment by moment basis. For example, if you think money is hard to make, you won't find it easy to come up with ideas or thoughts to make money easily. This is called a psycho cybernetic loop. The idea is that "what you think you then experience as an emotion and that emotion dictates what actions you do or do not take and that produces your results"; your results then reinforce your limiting beliefs.
So, to become self-aware you need to know how the brain perceives reality and therefore influences the decisions you make. The part of the brain that pays attention at any given moment is called reticular activation. However, did you know that your brain is rarely paying attention and filters out 90% of everything going on around you? Instead, it pays attention to what you believe is happening and focuses on the 10% you've decided is important. It’s no surprise that the 10% it focuses on is always in alignment with what you believe and it gives meaning to whatever you are currently focused on. This is why when you decide on a model or colour of car you want to buy you suddenly see that specific car everywhere.
What you believe, or what you’ve decided, will affect the coincidences that happen in your life.
So what does this mean? It means that you need to actively listen to that internal dialogue and the emotions that spring from it. Write them down. It’s super important to understand and be able to articulate what you actually believe and it's super important that you understand that it’s your internal dialogue that’s dictating all the actions you take. Once you’re able to do that you then need to find alternative evidence to the negative meaning that your brain is giving you at any time.
Basically, question it, call it out for its bullshit and ignore it.
Let’s try a little exercise. Hold your limiting belief in your mind. Now flip it round to be the opposite belief. Find the evidence that supports the idea that the opposite is true.
For example, you might ask: how true is that I’m the right person to do this? When have I been able to stick to a plan and execute it? When have I shown self-discipline before? Has someone else been successful in entering a product into a saturated market before? Have I been able to approach and make conservation with strangers before?
Then tell yourself, it's not true that you're not good enough. It's not true that you need to get it all done today. It's not true that if you take that risk, you're going to end up living under a bridge. It's just not true.
The brain will find answers to support the questions we ask ourselves.
So it makes sense to ask better questions to get better answers.
When you’re able to be more self-aware and conscious of your internal dialogue you can change your mental state, reframe your narrative and come up with a better story to support a more positive outcome.
Tony Robbins suggests that a good exercise is to think about the worst thing that has happened to you and ask yourself if that was in fact, the best thing to ever happen to you? What positives have you experienced since that event that wouldn’t have otherwise happened? Reframing that question to find the positive outcomes can change everything.
Un-tether yourself from these unhelpful and unintelligent patterns or thoughts and you’re halfway there.
Make a decision and take action
The Power of clarity cannot be overstated. Your brain is a goal-achieving machine and in its ‘powerful state’ you can achieve anything.
Like most people, I’m sure you are pretty clear about what you don’t want. But its more important to know what you do want. What is it that you want to create? What kind of partner or relationship do you want? What kind of friend, sibling, mother, father do you want to be? What kind of colleague or leader do you want to be? What are the skills you want to learn and why? Get that clarity.
Studies have shown that clarity is intimately connected to the imagination. As we become clearer on something, we begin to see what that thing is in our mind's eye and we can visualise what it might look like in reality.
A 2009 study at Harvard proved that whether you imagined playing the piano or actually played it, the human brain showed the same activity and it lit up in the same places. Study after study shows that your brain doesn't know the difference between imagination and reality.
It’s also interesting to know that as you get clear around your vision then your brain builds the same neuro networks as if that experience has already occurred. So if you remember how I said that:
"It’s the core of behavioural psychology: It’s your beliefs that dictate your thoughts, which dictate your emotions, dictate your actions, dictate your results which then reinforce your beliefs.”
You can actually store visualisations as memories in your brain and replace the existing limiting beliefs with new and positive neurotic networks.
Furthermore, imagine what the future would look like if you didn’t repeatedly get stuck on answering ‘The How’. Invest the time to visualise and build those neural networks, and build the memory of an experience that hasn't happened yet. Don't let not knowing how you are going to achieve that thing prevent you from spending time imagining and getting additional clarity on your vision because that’s actually an important step in the process for you to know ‘The How’.
As Tom Bilyeu said:
You will find that those neural networks give you access to the thoughts and ideas and perceptions that close the gap between the future and the present moment.”
And he goes on to say:
Don't let that indecision be born out of the fact that you're not sure how it will all play out.
In moving forward things will come to you. Getting more clarity is like moving through fog. Move from indecision and procrastination into decisive action, even if you have to take baby steps. As your vision becomes clearer, start taking action.
So now, make a decision and hold that decision in your mind. Remember for now, forget trying to figure out ‘The How’.
As soon as you make the decision your brain will become focussed on the outcome, you’ll start getting ideas and you’ll find that the circumstances and coincidences start showing up to support you.
This, in turn, will loosen the stuck feeling and will motivate you to take action; with action opportunities will start to appear and will create a momentum that feeds upon itself.
Now the only thing that can stop you is fear. David Bayer calls this “Forgetting everything about reality.” But remember, you have the tools to understand that pre-historic impulse can be put back in its box (unless, of course you’re being chased by a lion).
Remember, every time you be been successful in your life it was because you decided to take action. The path then unfolded for you along the way and whilst it didn’t always work out exactly how you wanted or expected, when you look back now and, in hindsight, you can see it worked out. Even if at the time you saw it as a failure, you can now see that it happened for a reason. It redirected you on a different course and brought you to where you are now. Or perhaps it helped you learn the skills or build the character you needed to develop to accomplish the things you’ve accomplished now.
Conclusion
In summary, your experiences change your brain. In fact, the only way you change your brain is through experience. Moment by moment you are recording what’s going on and you are either reiterating the neural networks, building new ones or pruning out old ones. So start building on positive beliefs by making decisions and creating memories that outshine the limiting beliefs.
So if you want more happiness, wealth, joy, fun, better relationships, or you want to achieve your full potential, get clear on what that vision, what that would look like for you and make sure what you believe is congruent with that outcome because if what you believe is not congruent with that outcome, then at a basic level, neurophysiologically, you are working against yourself. Remember that the brain is a goal-achieving machine and you can only hold onto the beliefs that your brain has decided is true. You can only think or have ideas that are in alignment with that truth. That truth becomes your perception of the world so think intelligently and positively. Don’t actively self-sabotage by leaning into your limiting beliefs.
We are all unreliable narrators of our 'truths' and you have to question the choices we make as these choices and false narratives keep us stuck in chapter and going round in circles. Ask yourself - is this really true and what evidence do you have that validates this limiting belief.
On a final note, I’ve found that it's really important to be intentful about who you spend time with when you are in your stuck phase. It’s natural to lean on those people who will comfort you during this phase; most often those are not the right people to encourage you to get out of your rut. Avoid the 'naysayers' and those who love to remind you of your inadequacies, out of jealousy or their own limitations. Try to lean on the friends, colleagues and mentors who have been through similar experiences and can empathise but also give you the tools and motivate you to take the necessary steps to move forward.
If you're feeling stuck congratulations, you’re about to take some steps towards your dreams!
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