Can you relate?
Solo time is precious. But finding time to spend alone is increasingly challenging in the age of side hustles, digital distractions, family obligations and work commitments. We often put others needs before our own and I personally find it hard to say no when someone asks for help.
We constantly feel like we should be doing more, achieving more, socialising more and also relaxing more. Contradictory and a bit overwhelming when it's hard to even know what 'balance' is supposed to look like for your own routine.
I naturally prioritise progress. This comes at a cost of my rest, sleep and family and friends time. I won't tell you what my screen time is as its embarrassing. And with the continued fear-mongering that we should be more successful than we are, we have un-achievable expectations of ourselves. I know I do.
But how many of us actually take a break? We prefer to moan about how drained and tired we are, how we can’t find a minute to ourselves, and instead of taking control of our choices we make excuses with 'I can't'. As if everything will crumble around us if we switched off for one day.
Why are we more comfortable complaining about how exhausted we are, than making a real effort to slow down? Brene Brown said it well:
It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol.
Studies have shown that taking time out, alone, has been linked to a reduced risk of depression, better life satisfaction, improved stress management and increased happiness. Spending time alone also opens up the opportunity to re-evaluate your priorities and re-calibrate and celebrate your achievements. It helps you to solve problems and get creative.
But Most of all, it allows you to become comfortable in your own skin.
Despite all it’s well known benefits, finding time to spend alone can be challenging for a variety of reasons.
Here are just a few possibilities.
You feel like a failure when you aren’t busy.
If you’re not building new bonds and nurturing lifelong friendships, you’re putting in 11 hour a day at work or working round the clock on your start-up (because you refuse to delegate). In the “spare time” you do you have; you’re filling your time with crap. Scrolling through ASOS for another outfit to impress your colleagues / friends / people you don’t even like. Binge watching TV shows you’re falling asleep in front of just so you can tick the box of spending time with your other half. You drag yourself to networking events and meetups just so you can feel like you’re living your best life, never missing an opportunity (after all, your network is your net worth); and in the shower you’re conjuring up of ways you can be better, achieve more, earn more etc etc. You catch my drift. You’re red eyed, caffeinated and slumped forward – but you carry on.
You’ve actually convinced yourself that you’re too busy to work on the stuff that could actually make you happy.
You find it hard to be alone with your own thoughts.
Because you are worried you’ll have to face yourself and your problems head on. It's our thoughts that define how we behave and feel how we feel. And it’s safe to say that most of us have some interesting dialogue going on in our heads. Our own streaming narrative of super critical, super depressing and often, super angry thoughts. So you distract yourself from hearing them. Drinking, shopping, work, sex, drugs, more drinking…we placate and block our minds from focusing on these narratives with mindless distractions and noise.
You’re addicted to social media.
Then there are those of us who are subconsciously addicted to the stimulants and rewards we get from scrolling through our favourite social media feeds. Whilst we might not be surrounded physically, by friends, colleagues or family – we are virtually held captive by their updates and their associated emotional triggers. So in reality, we are choosing to not be alone. Social Media addiction is real. Blame it on the dopamine.
It’s a well known fact that when you get a social media notification or like, our brains sends a neurochemical messenger called dopamine along a reward pathway, which increases our general level of arousal and desire to be rewarded. We want more instant gratification and with social media, it takes little effort or discipline to get it.
A Statista study found that the average adult spends two and a half hours every day on social media. That’s sixteen hours a week.
But we can be excused for seeking this gratification from a button click; hell, it’s a lot more instant than the dopamine hit you get from exercising, sex, finding love or ordering a takeaway. No one saw this shit coming and we aren’t equipped to defend ourselves from the magic of neurological voodoo.
So, what can you do about it?
If you’re the ‘busy bee’ and your busyness is an excuse to not do important things like chill out, then you need a wake-up call. Get control of your life. Stop ‘existing’, stop making excuses and know this. Every time you say you’re too busy to spend time alone, you’re just failing to prioritise your life. It is a fact that the most successful people in the world aren’t busy. We associate and confuse being busy with achieving. And our efforts to keep busy end up removing our focus on what we actually need to do to be successful. I suggest the following.
Stop. Just for one day.
Give yourself some quite pace to write down what you are busy doing and evaluate whether you are working towards the goals and values that are important to you or if in fact, for others in your life. What’s the purpose to all your hustling and bustling? Can you articulate what the ‘bigger picture’ looks like to you? Choose to become less reactionary and instead do the things that bring your closer to your goals. As yourself if you’re being busy because it’s easier than taking control of your life? Are you stopping yourself from forward thinking and planning?
If you truly want to be successful in all areas of your life, you need balance and a little solitude has been proven to increase your productivity and unlock your potential to be creative. You will have greater clarity and focus to put a plan in place. Just remember to continuously go back to it and make sure you’re on track.
It sounds simple enough. Sit quietly, put on some chill music, do nothing and relax. Bliss, right? Not always. If you’re afraid of being alone with your thoughts, then solitude can feel very uncomfortable. If, when you are left alone you are telling yourself things that you are unlikely to repeat out loud to friends or family, or you spend your time beating yourself up for where you are in life, what you haven’t achieved, and chewing over the “what if” scenarios of losing your job, running out of money, resentment or a painful memory, then sitting quietly can become intolerable.
Let go of perfection.
Clinical psychologist Noam Shpancer, PhD, suggests first letting go of perfection. Accept your mind will produce plenty of thoughts but consciously choose how to respond to those thoughts, if at all.
“Be a spectator; instead of taking the thoughts and feelings that come into your head as the truth, or as you,” he says, “simply observe them as they come and go.” Think of it all as “theatre in the mind” — as if it’s a movie you’re watching — not as something that is objectively true or inevitable.”
Breathe.
If you’re feeling anxious, simply taking three deep breaths, counting to five while inhaling and as you as you exhale, can help quiet and calm your mind. Another good way to centre yourself in the here and now is to “sense your surroundings and bring your attention to the physical sensations you are experiencing in the moment: the pressure of your body on your chair, the warmth of your hands on your knees, the sounds outside the open window”. And finally, don’t be upset about being upset. “Scientific data suggest that periodic disturbing thoughts are very common,” says Shpancer. “So, it is important to not attribute too much meaning to these thoughts to begin with. A disturbing thought is not a sign of disturbance. Most troubling thoughts will go away on their own if we refrain from self-blame and attaching undo meaning and significance to them.”
With all of these things, regular practice and discipline will eventually allow you to be comfortable in your own skin.
First you need to recognise when you are beating yourself up. Think about the narrative in your head and why you are being so hard on yourself.
Remember, whilst its important to have strong connections with other people, the strongest connection and deepest understanding you need to have is with yourself. Slowly practice building your mental strength. It might not be easy but start by practicing self-kindness and give yourself permission to be happy.
Get rid of the addiction.
If you’re the social media addict and you feel like social media is stopping you from living your best life or focusing on your goals then the only solution is to break the bad habit with a better one. First, you’ve got to figure out why your addicted. What’s your motive? It’s unlikely that you’re just bored. Are you stressed out, avoiding facing up to certain problems or challenges? Are you feeling disconnected from friends and family or just overwhelmed and using it as easy escapism? Then identify the triggers that make you reach for your phone. Second, make it harder to scratch that itch. Delete the social media apps from your phone (yes, a detox), turn on Do Not Disturb and turn off app notifications. Remember, some of the smartest people in the world have dedicated their lives to making social media more addictive; so, it won’t be easy.
Finally, replace the negative impulses with the positive reward of going for a walk around the block or do a three-minute breathing exercise.
You don’t need hours of time alone to feel the rewards of solitude. Just ten minutes a day could be enough to rejuvenate and refresh you from the daily grind. If you don’t even think you have time for that that you probably need it more than ever.
Whatever you decide to do, meditate, journaling, learn something new – it’s up to you but the important thing is to allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts. If you’re feeling more adventurous then you might even schedule a monthly activity to do by yourself, perhaps even pick up a hobby or activity you enjoyed doing as a child. You can also get out into nature, absorb, and observe. The quiet time will give you the chance to reengage with your inner voice and your emotions. And best of all, you’ll show up better for the people you love, in your life.
“Be alone, eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself, You will grow. You will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. ” Bianca Sparacino (via The Minds Journal)
In summary, alone time has many benefits:
Reduced risk of depression
Better life satisfaction
Improved stress management
Increased happiness
Opens up the opportunity to re-evaluate your priorities
Allows you to re-calibrate and celebrate your achievements
Helps you to solve problems and get creative
Allows you to become comfortable in your own skin
So tell everyone to piss off an leave you alone for the day. Alternatively, put your phone on flight mode for a few hours. Every little helps.
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