“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves” – Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Have you ever manipulated how you want people to see and think about you? Pretended to like things you don’t like or dislike things you do like, all in the attempt to be accepted, liked or to avoid being judged? It appears to be a common trait learned as we survive through childhood; but what’s worse than the consequences of disguising yourselves from others is hiding from yourself.
But why would most people ask themselves 'who am I' and sit down to define their authentic self? We tend to, on the surface believe our identities are what we project every day. Until we are in some form of discomfort from internal conflict and are forced to look within, we don't stop to think about whether we are presenting ourselves inauthentically.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself which opinions you hold are your own? Did you do the lateral thinking and come to a conclusion or did someone you admire sound sexy saying their opinion and you've chosen to adopt it on your own? Have you considered whether you have been brainwashed by strong opinions from friends and family, particularly as a child? Sometimes not being in tune with your authentic self leaves you wide open to manipulation and that steers decisions you make in your relationships, career and how you spend your time. Our incessant need for validation means that we are often waiting for other people to tell us how we feel about ourselves.
Your identify and values are wrapped around so many external factors - it's really worth taking the time to ask yourself a few honest questions.
Not being in tune with you who are and hiding your true nature from yourself not only hurts other people, as being ignorant to your own human traits will not allow you to acknowledge your shortcomings and evolve. You will forever be defensive and living in denial with a whole lot of internal conflict. And, if you are always conforming to someone else’s ideal of perfect behaviour or living by someone else’s set of beliefs then you will become lost and it will inhibit you from being yourself and being truly happy.
I came across a book called “The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life” by Erving Goffman which I have added to my wish list. It is basically a study of human behaviour in social situations and the way we appear to others. Erving’s dramaturgical analysis plays on the connection between the kinds of acts that people put on in their daily life and theatrical performances. Wikipedia has a good summary (although a little technical) here:
One review on Amazon sums it up well:
“One of the main insights that I took away from this excellent book is that humans largely exist as social beings through their interactions with other creatures, and the idea of a person as an “individual” is, itself, largely a construct. One thought this book led me to is that the important thing in life is the maintaining of whatever appearance one is required to maintaining. So long as that appearance is maintained, what lies underneath (i.e. the traditional concept of self or personality) is effectively unimportant. If we are only what are interactions with others make us, then what we think/feel on the inside and don’t share with others matters not at all.”
The book seem to suggest that there is no “essence” of ourselves and our personality – but that all life is a performance – all too often, poorly written, produced, directed and acted. It’s a sad truth. Something to thing about next time you feel uneasy about your intent and your choices.
I believe we should all learn to express who we really are and accept our own shortcomings before putting on a façade or pretending to be who we are not. If you don’t like who you are, then that’s a whole other story. Begin your journey of self-discovery and you will be able to celebrate those traits you love and work on those traits about yourself you don’t like so that you can be at peace with who you are. But do it for yourself; no one else.
Check this article out, it lists some of the questions and exercise that will help you define your authentic self.
“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth” – Oscar Wilde
How very true.
Be Brilliant.
Danielle
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