We have been interacting with other humans our whole lives. But that doesn’t mean we are any good at it. Engaging people and building meaningful relationships can be hard work and the relentless distractions of social media only reinforces our inability to emotionally connect with new people and create authentic connections. So often we fail to give the best first impressions in our professional encounters and we fail to create deeper connections with our friends and family.
By continuously exchanging the few meaningful relationships we have, with a lot of meaningless ones and by unconsciously replacing depth of connection with breadth, we are feeling lonelier than ever. Social media encourages us to broadcast and advertise ourselves rather than talk and communicate on an individual basis and this has led to many of us feeling disconnected.
If you’ve ever felt empty or alone when you leave a social engagement or networking event, then it’s likely that you failed to see and be seen by others. When we feel invisible it can lead to a sense of being unimportant and invalidated. But when you become present you will be aware of how you are being perceived and then its easier to recognise when you are being seen as disengaged. You can then reengage and become more interested, and interesting.
Brene Brown describes it beautifully:
I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
Whilst there are times when you don’t care to engage on a more authentic, personal level (school gates, anyone?), having the tools will give you the power to choose when to use them. And remember, even if you think you know someone well, you may not even be aware of the tell-tale signs that they are totally disinterested in you. On the flip side, you yourself might not want to come across as disengaged, but your body language and behaviour can give off all the wrong signals.
So, let’s start with some basics.
Be intentful
Assuming you haven’t been accosted on the train, bus or office canteen, imagine you are in a social gathering where you had planned to engage with other humans. Ask yourself what you want to get from the conversation with this person right now, and also in the future. When the conversation starts going off topic or feels lost, have your anchor so you can bring it back on track.
Build rapport.
Easier said than done, so what is rapport and how do you get it? Well, you know that feeling where the other person’s attention just feels concentrated on you and the feeling is mutual? We have all seen two people in full rapport, where all their interactions feel synchronised and their bodies look like they have been choreographed. This is called non-verbal synchrony. It feels good and leaves you in a pleasant joyous state.
It’s easy to give the feeling of rapport even if you are not in an intimate relationship with the other person.
Step 1. You must be present.
Presence is tantamount if we want to connect with people.
Attention is a rarer and rarer commodity. But it’s a precious commodity. When you are present the other person will feel it, feel valued and open up to you.
This should start with eye contact. Maintaining eye contact is a skill that can often feel uncomfortable, but if you are able to it, it will pay dividends. Practice. You can also bring someone’s attention back to you and the present moment by touching them lightly (touch, not grope, ladies). It’s a fact that waiters who touch patrons on the arm get bigger tips.
Touching someone does not mean you are attracted to them (unless you are actually in a flirtatious encounter), but it does help the person to remember you. Try lightly touching their shoulder or arm; and if you don’t think they will like it, don’t do it. Respect their boundaries.
Step two. Listen attentively.
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new” Dalai Lama.
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen and then speak. People are begging you to make them feel important. When we listen attentively, we will always leave a good impression and make the other person feel valued. Ask them to tell you about themselves, and show (rather than feign) interest. The Royal Family are genius at this and at making people feel special. Just watch the Queen in action. I’ll try not to pass judgement on whether she actually cares but the gift of appearing interested, is a great tool. Focus on making the other person feel important.
Step three. Watch your (and their) body language.
When someone is bored you’ll notice their shoulders will start turning towards the door as well as their hips, knees and feet. And when you are bored you will also do that. Keep your shoulders, hips and feet towards them.
People naturally reveal micro messages when they engage with each other, so keeping an eye out for some of these small signals can help you read their non-verbal cues and act accordingly.
Micro negatives can indicate that the other person is feeling uncomfortable or anxious. Any kind of self-touch, especially if it’s consistent and repeated can be an indication of low confidence in that situation. Self-touch e.g. rubbing our arms or hands, releases oxytocin and its self-soothing technique used to keep ourselves calm. When you see this or if you feel yourself doing it, take a deep breath and try and figure out what is making you or them anxious.
Micro positives are what we want to be seeing. The other person gently leaning towards us (reciprocated, of course) as well as nods and half smiles, which are all signs of being engaged. The more open you keep your body language, the more relaxed you will be and will appear. Keep your shoulders back and put more space between you and the table.
Step four. Add value to the conversation.
This is a whole topic in itself but, you need to find your voice.
60% of all people identify as being shy or as currently dealing with social anxiety or shyness.
If we have an internal negative dialogue or if we are worried about what people think of us, we aren’t present. If we’re not present, we won’t fully listen and connect.
Unfortunately, our brains priority is not to connect but to keep us safe and
so it tells us why everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Our dialogue becomes unhelpful: “This person won’t like me; this person won’t invest in me.” If you let your mind wander, you won’t be able to fully articulate yourself and you won’t be able to hear the other person speak.
Come back to being present and when they ask you about you, don’t race through a garbled monologue because you are worried they will be bored. You are interesting. Focus on talking about what you care about. What’s important to you right now? What’s your dream? What are you excited about or struggling with? You don’t have to give your life story but be honest and don’t rush. You can always say enough about me, what about you?
Step five. Ask better questions.
Questions are the quickest path to learning and growing and it’s a fact that If you appear to be interested you will be perceived to be interesting.
Whenever you go into the next meeting, social situation or phone call, ask yourself”what am I most excited to learn about this person(s)?”
Take 60 seconds to identify what you are most curious about. When you establish that foundation before any social interaction, it will lead you to more virtuous connections.
Have a default understanding about what’s important for you to find out. Develop your GO-TO questions. These can be the same questions you ask yourself: what are you most excited about? What’s challenging you right now?
This will open up the opportunity to support the person and be supported. What’s your focus at the moment? If you could do anything, what would you do? Answering this question for yourself and the other person could lead to finding synergies in both energy and passion, and being able to identify what you both care about, will allow you to connect on a much deeper level.
Lastly, be authentic and vulnerable.
We all go through our struggles and silent battles, and no one expects us to be stoic. Anybody who is really into wine knows that the best wines come from very steep hill sides, made of limestone soil. The grapes that are stressed are said to have more character. This is also true with humans. It’s important that you share your stories of struggle and your journey of triumph over adversity. We are hard wired to find meaning in that struggle and hearing these kinds of stories inspires us. It also draws the other person in to be more trusting of you, so show your human side.
When it comes to building and maintaining longer term and deeper relationships, it’s always important to take stock of how you feel about those connections. After all, time is precious.
You can use the following construct to evaluate whether a true connection exists between you and the other person and then decide whether you want to keep investing in that relationship.
A – Appreciation. Do you feel like there is a feeling of mutual recognition with the other person? Do you see them? Do they see you?
V – Vulnerability. Can you be honest and truthful with this person? Can you be yourself?
S – Support. Do you feel a natural call to support and be supported by this person?
So, now that you’ve mastered the art of building meaningful connections, continue to lead with curiosity and give in to the process! Remember, our relationships are one of the greatest investments we can make, so keep investing and keep practicing the skills to gift yourself and others with amazing interactions.
And don’t forget – use your powers for good, not evil. 😉
Comments